This is beautiful

Day 3 of Carlessness

has been an excellent day. I got up on time to make it to my 8 am class today, which I didn't on Monday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Really I didn't have to get up early, I just had to get up on time haha. It was actually really nice walking to school this morning. It was crisp but not chilly, and the sun was already out. It was a really pleasant way to start the day. Usually I'm running late in the mornings, so I begin my days by frantically tearing around my apartment desperately trying to get out the door on time while still having hot coffee and not looking like too much of a mess. Most of the time it's not extremely frantic, I just have to move quickly, so I have no time to reflect upon my day as I'm beginning it. But today was different. I had a whole half hour with nothing going on, nothing to do but walk peacefully and talk with God, so I got to start my day by reflecting on who and what I was living for today and why, which started me off in a really good mood. I also started thinking about how blessed I am. It sounds cliche, but there are children in Africa that walk much farther than I do to get to school every day. My friend Sara told me last weekend that when her husband was in college he had a Nigerian professor, and there are was a boy in his class that didn't have his textbook because he didn't have the money to buy it, and the professor said,"You'll buy new sneakers before you'll buy your textbook?" He wasn't trying to make him feel guilty, he legitimately did not understand why someone would buy shoes before they would buy a book. I was thinking about this this morning and about how lucky I am just to get to go to school. I get to go to college. In the last twelve years I have been taught english, history, all kinds of math and science, French, and some Spanish, and I get to continue learning! What's walking 30 minutes when I have such easy access to more education than more people in the world will get in a lifetime? It sounds odd, but losing my car for just a few days has taught me how blessed I am and given me a strong new appreciation for the things I do have.
Also, since my sociology class is over at 8:50 and my next class isn't until 10, I usually drive home just to eat breakfast and relax for a little while. Obviously, today that was not an option, so I picked up a free copy of the New York Times from one of the stands at school and sat in the library and read the paper for most of an hour. That actually turned out to be much more relaxing than driving home because I didn't have to worry about getting back on time. And I've been wanting to have some time in my day to sit down and catch up on current events, and there it was. I think I'm going to start doing that from now on.

Not having a car has really slowed down the pace of my life, and I needed that. I didn't even realize how much, but I want to try to live at a more moderate pace once I get my car back instead of always being either doing something or resting cause I'm tired from doing so many things. I hope I can find a way to make that happen.

Day 1 of Carlessness

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I discovered that it only takes about 25-30 minutes to walk to school from my apartment, so it's not nearly as bad as I'd expected. Though it was cold this morning I was quite grateful the snow that began to fall as I got close to school was snow and not rain, because then I would've been wet. I'm also enjoying the exercise it's giving me, because my body has really been craving some since I've been so sedentary these past few months. My car got towed to the shop today (for free thanks for Vicki's AAA), but the money to pay for the repair is going to have to come out of my stocks, so it's going to take some time to get access to it, which means I'll be without a car for at least a week. My mom is talking about getting me a rental so I can get to work, which would be great and would definitely make my life easier, though I can already see that I'm going to learn a lot from not having a car so I'm grateful that won't be for at least a day or two. Here is what I learned today:

1. TAKING CARE OF MY CAR NEEDS TO BECOME A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE. This is all caps because I didn't take the time to put oil in my car, and that's most likely why it died. That was incredibly stupid. I need to care about my car more.
2. Walking is not that bad. It's underrated. I don't see why people think it's such a bad thing.
3. Appreciate what you have. Don't take anything for granted. While I was walking I started making a list in my head of things I could be happy about to keep me from getting upset about my car. It's helped me to appreciate more what I do have, like a cozy apartment, friends, and the money to get my car fixed
4. I still haven't learned to be entirely ok with asking people for help, such as rides places. I had simply forgotten that I had a problem since I had a car and it wasn't an issue

Since I won't be able to get to work tomorrow, I now have all day tomorrow off. I didn't realize how busy my life has become until I felt weird knowing that I had entire day tomorrow with nowhere I was supposed to be. Because I don't have to work tomorrow, it meant I didn't have to get all my homework done tonight, which allowed me to spend the evening reading and actually cooking myself a decent dinner for a change (spaghetti). I've been trying to develop a more moderate pace in my life, as opposed to the frantic one of high school and the sluggish one of last semester, though I'm now realizing that I may not have been doing as well as I thought.

The lovely Andie Tucker reminded me today of Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That is so wonderful, knowing that what seems at first to just be a really crappy situation and a huge inconvenience, God is using for my good to help me grow into the person we both want me to be.

Bad day

My car broke down today. I think I need a new engine this time. This is super stressful and I hate dealing with things like this. We were talking in church today about Paul and about being content in every situation, so I'm taking this as an opportunity to work on that.

This is good

Awesome

I just found out that my flight from Puerto Rico gets in at 9 o'clock Saturday night, so I'm going to get home probably close to 11 and have to do laundry and pack to leave the next day for North Carolina. That's insane.
I'm thinking I'm going to see if I can get all my close friends that love me enough to come hang out with me Saturday night and help me pack/stay awake, because I don't want to come home and leave without getting to see everybody. Plus I really don't think I'd be able to stay up and get all of that done without company. I was planning on doing the same thing that afternoon, but since we'll be getting in so late it has become quite a larger feat.

Thoughts/Events of the week

I have officially been accepted to Warren Wilson College!! Woot! I'm really excited. It all depends on the amount of financial aid I can get though, because it's an expensive school, and we haven't gotten any news on that yet so nothing's certain yet. I have this feeling that it's going to work out though. Then again, I felt that way about UNC Asheville last year and we all know how that worked out : P A little part of me worries that I'm setting myself up for the same thing again, because I haven't applied to any other schools, but I can't afford the application fees so really that one's out my control.
I also found out that Warren Wilson starts classes August 16, and I fly back from Puerto Rico August 14, so I'm going to have to get as much packing as I can done before I leave in May because I'm going to have to drive to North Carolina on the 15 so I'm going to have less than 24 hours between when I get back and when I leave. Hectic! I take the fact that it fits so closely yet so perfectly as a sign that this is going to work out though, because that sort of craziness is so typical of my life.

This week has been very very busy with homework and just other things I have to take care of. It has by far been the busiest week of my school year so far, and it's been a lot like high school. I remembered that I always got so much done in high school, but I had forgotten how exhausted I constantly was. I appreciate the more mild pace of my life a little more now.

Last night a few of the girls from my small group had a sleepover at Sara's house, another girl in our group. She's in her early twenties and is married, and I really enjoyed just being around she and her husband and watching them interact. They were so sweet and encouraging to each other. Here is an example of a typical conversation between them that took place over breakfast this morning:

Sara: These are great sausages Darien. Thanks for making them.
Darien: Your welcome. You bought great sausages.

This may seem relatively normal to anyone else, but to me it is amazing. I can barely remember a time when my parents weren't fighting, and they got divorced when I was in 5th grade, so I've never really spent time around a happy, functional married couple. I love being around them now and seeing how much they love each other through the way they treat each other. It's beautiful.
During this last year God has been filling in the gaps of things I missed out on as a child in a disfunctional family. Greg, my mom's roommate, has really become a father figure in my life and being around him allows me to see what a father is really supposed to be. I've also made a lot of Christian friends, which I didn't have a lot of in high school, and that has encouraged me a lot in my faith and growth just to have people I can talk to and share my experiences with. It's wonderful.


The sun is coming out now, and the warm weather and the promise of summer are making me really look forward to the months to come and all the wonderful things that are going to happen in my life.

Thoughts I've had this morning

The average annual cost of one person's AIDS medication in Africa is $1000.00
Every year over 500,000 African children are orphaned because their parents die of AIDS

I saw a chart in my sociology book of the annual incomes of the highest paid CEOs in America. The guy at the BOTTOM of that list makes $45 million a year.
That's 45,000 people that could get medication, that could live another year. How many children could that save from being orphaned?

____________________________


What would happen in America if suddenly all the suddenly all the shit we buy couldn't be made anymore and we had to get by with what was left?

Dreams

I have always been an advocate of following your dreams, that nothing is impossible and the only thing holding you back is yourself. Well, today I realized that despite all that I have been neglecting to follow my own dream. Since I was in first grade I've wanted to be a writer. Though that has been replaced as my career path, the love of writing is still there, and I am afraid that over the last few years I have come to neglect and eventually forget that love, to just put it aside as something I didn't have time for. But earlier today I was talking to my friend Lea Heil over facebook, and she was telling me about her book. She has written a book, a whole, legitimate book, and it is going to be published. She was telling me that she has to change some of the characters and add an extension onto the book even though she finished the story weeks ago. I told her that she was living out my childhood dream, and she responded by telling me it's never too late to write a book and shared this quote from Douglas Adams," Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds." While I know it really much more difficult than that quote makes it sound, her encouragement revealed to me my own hypocrisy. If years from now I regret never acting on my dream, I will have no one to blame but myself. I'm considering starting something. The characters and plot lines are beginning to form in my head in that familiar way that never quite makes it onto a page. I'm hoping this time in does.

Change and Such

For the last week or so I've been feeling this weird uncomfortable sort of pull on my heart. God has been revealing to be exactly how temporary my comfort zone is, and that freaks me out. He's just been teaching me exactly what it is I'm giving up in committing my life to Him: my right to be comfortable. I've known for a while now that committing my life to Jesus is going to take me far outside of anything I've ever known, but God has just been preparing me and giving me a glimpse of exactly how hard and uncomfortable it's going to be. This really freaked me out for a few days, but I've been praying that God will give me the courage to walk boldly into the life He has prepared for me, because I know that He will be with me through it all and that no matter what happens it will be beautiful.

I've been reading more of The Sacred Romance (read it!!!) and the chapter I just finished really revealed a lot to me about God's heart. It shows God as a lover, but not just as one who loves us immensely and unrelentingly, but as one who is sensitive and whose feelings can actually be hurt by our betrayals. This new perspective adds a whole new dimension of intimacy to a relationship with God, and I am loving it!

Here are a few passages from that book that I wanted to share:

"So long as we imagine that it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about; He is looking for us. And so we can afford to recognize that very often we are not looking for God; far from it, we are in full flight from him, in high rebellion against him. And He knows that and has taken it into account. He has followed us into our own darkness; there were we thought finally to escape him, we run straight into his arms. So we do not have to erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us the hope of salvation. Our hope is in his determination to save us, and he will not give in."
Isn't that beautiful? : )

This one's my favorite:
"the Spirit has come to empower us to continue the invasion of the kingdom, which is about freeing the hearts of others to live in the love of God."
I LOVE the diction here. I love the idea of the kingdom of God like an invasion, like it's something that can't be stopped and will push relentlessly until it finds is way in and takes over. It will happen.