My mom is sick. She's been having really severe stomach pains since November and has been feeling lightheaded and dizzy more recently, but because insurance companies are weird she couldn't afford to go to the doctor until 2011. She finally went to the doctor yesterday, but as we expected the doctor couldn't give us any information yet. Her symptoms are too vague for them to have any idea what it is yet. She's probably anemic, which accounts for the lightheadedness but is probably completely unrelated to her stomach pains. They drew some blood and she has an appointment for next Tuesday to discuss the test results from that. They're also scheduling her for a colonoscopy and possibly another test where they run a scope through her entire digestive system.
I'm worried. I'm really, really worried. It could be something simple, or it could be something really bad. I think the not knowing is the worst part. I've been worried since she told me she was sick months ago, but since she couldn't go to the doctor yet I shoved it into the back of my mind. Now that she's going to the doctor it's becoming real again. My mom really is sick. This knowledge has wrapped itself around my heart these last few days and refused to let go, and the pressure is such that it takes excessive amounts of willpower just to deal with those stupid day-to-day things like homework and blog updates. I just don't want to deal with any of this at the moment.
I find myself resenting those people I see who seem so carefree, who just laugh about everything. I regard them with bitterness. I bet both they're parents are fine, I think, They just sit around laughing and playing, what do they have to worry about? They're parents probably give them money for everything they need. Do they even study for tests?
I don't want to that person. I don't want to be so bitter. It's not those peoples' fault my mom is sick, that my family has little enough money that I've been paying bills for two years already, or that I had to get a job off campus to pay those bills. They are blessed, and so am I, just in different ways. I don't want to resent the people I see laughing. There is plenty to love about them, and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own stress and fear that I miss it.
I sat down and prayed for a while today and flipped through some of my favorite passages I've marked in Matthew over the years (I LOVE that book). That helped a lot. I'm still tense and afraid, but there have been moments today where I've had peace. This is in God's hands. I love Him, and He loves my family and will take care of us, because we are His children. Those moments of peace have been brief and fleeting, but the knowledge that they are possible helps.
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day
Is really not a good day when your fiance is on the other side of the world. I think I generally do a very good job of being cheerful and not mopey in a situation that really, really sucks, but I was not able to sustain that today. I have been feeling very down today and missing Nate quite terribly. These days are bound to happen, and I think I'm entitled to one every now and then.
I would also like to publicly recognize the efforts of my dear friends Onelia and Tiffany, for listening to me whine and texting me often during the day to make me feel less alone.
I've had better days, but the world is still beautiful, and God is still good.
I would also like to publicly recognize the efforts of my dear friends Onelia and Tiffany, for listening to me whine and texting me often during the day to make me feel less alone.
I've had better days, but the world is still beautiful, and God is still good.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thoughts and Parallels
Why is there not a strong anti-war movement for Iraq like there was for Vietnam?
The Vietnam War as at the height of the Cold War, were they at least had the nice-sounding justification of democracy, defending South Vietnam from the North, and all that jazz. In retrospect we look back and recognize it clearly as unjust, and we tend to forget that at the time there existed a solid argument and popular Cold War mentality which justified the war, but still people stood up and formed one of the strongest anti-war movements in history.
Why isn't that happening now? Even before the end of his presidency Bust admitted that Iraq had had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks and that they had no nuclear weapons. Nobody really knows why we're still there, and most people don't think we should be, and yet there seems to be no recognizable anti-war movement. The same goes for Afghanistan. That war is even more similar to Vietnam than Iraq, because the government has given us the justification of fighting terrorism, which seems to be the 21st century version of communism. The thing is, us invading these countries only strengthens the resentments and anger that engender terrorism. The Department of Homeland Security recently said that the potential for a terrorist attack today is the highest it's been since 2001; clearly this tactic isn't even working. So why aren't more people standing up to call for an end to it?
The Vietnam War as at the height of the Cold War, were they at least had the nice-sounding justification of democracy, defending South Vietnam from the North, and all that jazz. In retrospect we look back and recognize it clearly as unjust, and we tend to forget that at the time there existed a solid argument and popular Cold War mentality which justified the war, but still people stood up and formed one of the strongest anti-war movements in history.
Why isn't that happening now? Even before the end of his presidency Bust admitted that Iraq had had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks and that they had no nuclear weapons. Nobody really knows why we're still there, and most people don't think we should be, and yet there seems to be no recognizable anti-war movement. The same goes for Afghanistan. That war is even more similar to Vietnam than Iraq, because the government has given us the justification of fighting terrorism, which seems to be the 21st century version of communism. The thing is, us invading these countries only strengthens the resentments and anger that engender terrorism. The Department of Homeland Security recently said that the potential for a terrorist attack today is the highest it's been since 2001; clearly this tactic isn't even working. So why aren't more people standing up to call for an end to it?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Abroad, Pt. 2
I'm applying for the Rwanda trip, studying post-genocide restoration and peace building. My second choice is a similar trip studying post-conflict restoration in both Uganda and Rwanda.
I have no idea why I'm so drawn to this. I've never had an especially strong interest in Africa. In August I was even planning on spending my semester abroad somewhere in Latin America, but during last semester I realized that I'm really not very interested at all in Spanish culture and spending time there doesn't really appeal to me much. Or Europe. I've dreamt of going to Europe since I was in middle school. I want to see the culture, the art museums, I could make a very long list of things I'd like to see and do across Europe, but this can't compare to the way I feel about Africa. I don't know why spending time there appeals to me, but it does. The same with these trips specifically. I have no idea what I'm actually going to do there, what skills and new understandings I'll come back with, and how I'll apply them through the rest of my life, but I feel drawn to this vague picture so strongly that anything else, from living out my childhood dream to even studying development elsewhere in Africa, something I'm very interested in and passionate about, would feel like I was selling myself short.
This feeling is very big. It's big and its vague and it's uncertain and I don't understand it. All I know is that it promises something big, very big, much bigger than anything I've ever experienced in my life, and that scares me.
I have no idea why I'm so drawn to this. I've never had an especially strong interest in Africa. In August I was even planning on spending my semester abroad somewhere in Latin America, but during last semester I realized that I'm really not very interested at all in Spanish culture and spending time there doesn't really appeal to me much. Or Europe. I've dreamt of going to Europe since I was in middle school. I want to see the culture, the art museums, I could make a very long list of things I'd like to see and do across Europe, but this can't compare to the way I feel about Africa. I don't know why spending time there appeals to me, but it does. The same with these trips specifically. I have no idea what I'm actually going to do there, what skills and new understandings I'll come back with, and how I'll apply them through the rest of my life, but I feel drawn to this vague picture so strongly that anything else, from living out my childhood dream to even studying development elsewhere in Africa, something I'm very interested in and passionate about, would feel like I was selling myself short.
This feeling is very big. It's big and its vague and it's uncertain and I don't understand it. All I know is that it promises something big, very big, much bigger than anything I've ever experienced in my life, and that scares me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Abroad
During the last week I've finally started taking steps toward my semester abroad next spring. It's required for my semester, and I've known this for a while now, but somehow now that I'm starting this process it seems more real to me.
I'm going to Africa. I don't know where yet, but I feel drawn to it, and I know that's where God wants me to go, which is probably the most intimidating place possible. Funny how God works like that. I have a catalog of a few different programs, and the ones that stick out most to me are studying post-genocide reconciliation and rebuilding in Rwanda, development and the community in Uganda, or post-conflict reconciliation in Uganda. I'm leaning very strongly towards the reconciliation ones for some reason I can't really pinpoint. The development trip sounds like it would be more intellectually stimulating, development really interests me, and it's undoubtedly training that would allow me to really make a big difference in the future. The peace building ones seem like big blanks to me; past getting there I have very little idea what I would actually be doing, and I think that may account for the allure of the development trip; it's a little more concrete. I also worry that one of the reasons I like the thought of the Rwanda trip especially is because of pride; it sounds so impressive to say "I'm going to study post-genocide reconciliation and rebuilding in Rwanda". I mean, really. Say that in your head once or twice. I've been praying that God would grant me humility in this process and that He would give me the clarity to go where He wants me to go.
It's rather intimidating to think that less than 12 months from now I'm going to be getting on a plane to go to Africa for 4 months. But that's life, isn't it?
I'm going to Africa. I don't know where yet, but I feel drawn to it, and I know that's where God wants me to go, which is probably the most intimidating place possible. Funny how God works like that. I have a catalog of a few different programs, and the ones that stick out most to me are studying post-genocide reconciliation and rebuilding in Rwanda, development and the community in Uganda, or post-conflict reconciliation in Uganda. I'm leaning very strongly towards the reconciliation ones for some reason I can't really pinpoint. The development trip sounds like it would be more intellectually stimulating, development really interests me, and it's undoubtedly training that would allow me to really make a big difference in the future. The peace building ones seem like big blanks to me; past getting there I have very little idea what I would actually be doing, and I think that may account for the allure of the development trip; it's a little more concrete. I also worry that one of the reasons I like the thought of the Rwanda trip especially is because of pride; it sounds so impressive to say "I'm going to study post-genocide reconciliation and rebuilding in Rwanda". I mean, really. Say that in your head once or twice. I've been praying that God would grant me humility in this process and that He would give me the clarity to go where He wants me to go.
It's rather intimidating to think that less than 12 months from now I'm going to be getting on a plane to go to Africa for 4 months. But that's life, isn't it?
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