Pressure

My mom is sick. She's been having really severe stomach pains since November and has been feeling lightheaded and dizzy more recently, but because insurance companies are weird she couldn't afford to go to the doctor until 2011. She finally went to the doctor yesterday, but as we expected the doctor couldn't give us any information yet. Her symptoms are too vague for them to have any idea what it is yet. She's probably anemic, which accounts for the lightheadedness but is probably completely unrelated to her stomach pains. They drew some blood and she has an appointment for next Tuesday to discuss the test results from that. They're also scheduling her for a colonoscopy and possibly another test where they run a scope through her entire digestive system.

I'm worried. I'm really, really worried. It could be something simple, or it could be something really bad. I think the not knowing is the worst part. I've been worried since she told me she was sick months ago, but since she couldn't go to the doctor yet I shoved it into the back of my mind. Now that she's going to the doctor it's becoming real again. My mom really is sick. This knowledge has wrapped itself around my heart these last few days and refused to let go, and the pressure is such that it takes excessive amounts of willpower just to deal with those stupid day-to-day things like homework and blog updates. I just don't want to deal with any of this at the moment.

I find myself resenting those people I see who seem so carefree, who just laugh about everything. I regard them with bitterness. I bet both they're parents are fine, I think, They just sit around laughing and playing, what do they have to worry about? They're parents probably give them money for everything they need. Do they even study for tests?

I don't want to that person. I don't want to be so bitter. It's not those peoples' fault my mom is sick, that my family has little enough money that I've been paying bills for two years already, or that I had to get a job off campus to pay those bills. They are blessed, and so am I, just in different ways. I don't want to resent the people I see laughing. There is plenty to love about them, and I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own stress and fear that I miss it.

I sat down and prayed for a while today and flipped through some of my favorite passages I've marked in Matthew over the years (I LOVE that book). That helped a lot. I'm still tense and afraid, but there have been moments today where I've had peace. This is in God's hands. I love Him, and He loves my family and will take care of us, because we are His children. Those moments of peace have been brief and fleeting, but the knowledge that they are possible helps.

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28