God of Comfort

I don't usually talk about Nate being gone or how hard it is for me. I don't like to. At this point I cope simply by keeping going, not thinking about it too much, and staying busy. But every now and then, and even more now that I'm back in Norcross, somebody asks about him, or a memory suddenly leaps to mind, and reality hits me like a ton of bricks; I haven't seen my fiance in 5 months, and since his internet has been down I've hardly talked to him for 2. It can be crippling; my day is never the same after that. I don't want to anything or talk to anyone. Last week I spent almost an entire day just watching tv, because that was all I felt like doing. Even though I know it's probably not healthy, I fall into despair and self pity, and it's nearly impossible to get out.

Today was one of those days. It was a perfectly nice, boring day until my mom asked about Nate over dinner and I just went down from there. Only tonight was Water's Edge (the college ministry at my church), and I decided to leave early to have some time to pray and read the Bible before it got started. The half hour drive there was miserable; I was sullen, cranky, and felt very alone. Usually when I get that way I'm too wrapped up in self-pity to really sit down and pray, but today I'd already been planning to do it before my mood began to go downhill, so I did. I prayed that God would relieve my despair, but more than that I meditated on God's goodness and Christ's power and humility. Nothing was better and I was still hurting, but God gently put things in perspective for me. Yes, not being able to talk to Nate right now is horrible and it hurts, but God is still good, and He is always good, and He is the only one I love more than Nate and the only one who can get me through this, and I will not be able to make it through the next 6 months without leaning fully and completely on Him.

And then the service started, and I learned that there is nothing like worshipping from a place of total brokenness and dependence. God never seems more glorious and more loving than when we realize how much He is all we have and truly the only reason worth living. I just realized that Nate being gone is going to bring me closer to God and teach me to be a better servant to Him, and that He is glorified through my situation because He is the ONLY thing that can lift me out of that place of despair and brokenness.

God may be invisible, but He is real. There are those who argue that what the religious experience is only imagined, that it's all in our heads, but there is no way what I experienced tonight was imagined. My imagination is not powerful enough ease the pain of my worst hurts and return the joy I haven't felt in while. My imagination cannot make the massive hole in my world seem smaller or make life feel ok again. Only God can do that, and I experienced His comfort tonight in a very tangible and miraculous way that I pray will bring glory to Him who brings comfort to our deepest suffering.