My Heart Is Heavy

I'm writing this from a Days Inn in Foxon, Connecticut. Yesterday was the first days of Teameffort staff training, but instead I spent it in the car with my dad and sister on the way up here to see my grandmother. She'll be 92 last month and suffers from alzheimers and dementia, as well as the general frailty that comes with being nearly a century old. She was born in 1919, and even though her short term memory has been steadily worsening over the years her long term memory has always been excellent. She could tell us all sorts of different stories, full of details and descriptions of layouts of all the different houses she's lived in. Of course it was still obvious that she was sick though. Sometimes she would tell us the same story twice, and she always had a hard time remembering how old Julie and I are. But still, it seemed like she would always be there. Then on Sunday my sister informed me that Dad was going to Connecticut to see Grandma, and he was leaving on Wednesday. They said she'd been getting worse faster. It's not certain whether she'll make it through the end of the summer, so we all came up to say goodbye. It's weird. When we saw her today I was shocked by how small she is. You can almost see all the bones in her hand. She didn't recognize us when we first got there. She was in her wheelchair sitting in the door of her room facing out into the hallway, and when we approached she asked if she was in our path. And her long term memory, which has always been so reliable, is so much worse. She'd often space out and lose her train of thought, leaving off in the middle of the story. At one point, while she was trying to remember her younger sister's birthday, she went quiet for a while, then just said,"Oh hell, I can't remember". She just kept losing her train of thought, kept forgetting what she was saying. Then, as we went to leave, she forgot me. I moved to hug her and suddenly she looked very lost and confused, like she was wondering who this strange girl was and why I was touching her. My dad had to introduce us to her again. I really can't describe how painful that was.

I wish none of this has happening. I was supposed to be at staff training today learning first aid and writing skits. I'm upset that I have to miss this opportunity to get to know my staff, but I'm also exceedingly grateful that I work in a place that allows me to be able to be with my family right now.